between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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