I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
