Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Randomize
