you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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