I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
