she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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