My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
So much rum. So many feels.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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