He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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