You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
