I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
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