I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
