Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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