I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
