I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
