NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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