There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
