so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
