My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
