Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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