I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
