this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
