I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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