What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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