if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
