The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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