I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
