I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
