ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
