I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
