yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
