there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
