you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
