i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
