But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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