My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
My liver just had a heart attack.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
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