i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
