Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
