well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Randomize
