Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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