are you still at the devil's house?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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