Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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