the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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