mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
