A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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