The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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