We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
He shit in the fireplace
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
