i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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