Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i just wanna soil my oats bro
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Never let your siblings swipe right.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
