im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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