Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
