yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
