DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
