yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Randomize
