she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
