the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
