I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
