I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Randomize
