God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
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There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
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when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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