my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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