I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
