i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
