from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
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