wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
