She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
50% drunk capacity currently
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
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